Tips on how to learn to say: No!!!!

For many of us, it is difficult to say ‘No’ to someone. Of course it depends on who were are speaking to, our relationship to them, the nature of the request and the circumstances at the time. In everyday life, ‘Yes’ just seems like the better answer… Whether it is a friend, a colleague or a member of your family, we do not want to risk falling out with them or being judged as unhelpful.

Most of us want to be liked and to have the approval of others. Of course this is all very natural, but distinctly unhelpful at times. Even more challenging is the idea of saying ‘No’ to our boss, especially if there is a whiff of redundancies in the air! Heaven forbid! But then again, saying ‘No’ can help us become more assertive and more effective in fighting stress. Below, you will find some tips on how to say ‘No’. Test them!

It’s getting easier every time you say it

There is no cure-all solution but there are techniques which are well tried and tested. Often people would say: ‘I used to have a problem saying “No” but not anymore.’ They had ‘felt the fear but done it anyway.’ They would report that it was nerve-racking the first time, a bit uneasy the next time, but after that it just became part of their armoury of protecting themselves from being taken for granted and helped them to feel more in control of their lives and especially of their time. It is not surprising that assertive people, especially those who are good at saying ‘No’, make better time managers than those who try hard to please everyone all the time. There is a close connection here.

Be matter of fact, don’t apologize!

Suppose a not particularly close friend has organized an evening get-together of old college chums every year for the past five years. It is always at the same pub, an hour’s train journey away, has become predictable and rather tedious and several of those attending just want to talk about themselves and are dreary company. Decide in advance that you will not go to the next one. When she invites you, tell her not to be offended but that you will not be going this year as you’ve got a lot on your plate at the moment and are making a real effort to ration your time. When she protests, repeat what you’ve said but add that you hope they have a great evening. Don’t appear too apologetic but instead lean towards being matter of fact. After all, it’s no big deal!

Saying ‘No’ to your boss

Saying ‘No’ to your boss requires a strong nerve and a bit of forethought! Imagine he appears at your desk at 4.30 one afternoon with a thick-looking  report and tells you he’d like you to read through it, write any comments you want to make in the margins and leave it on his desk before you go home.  At a glance it looks like at least an hour’s work. You are already rushing to keep a promise to a colleague for some information she needs before you leave no later than 5.15. Any other day would be fine but it is parents’ evening at your daughter’s school, your wife is ill and cannot go and you’ve been given a strict timetable to see several teachers with your daughter. What do you do?

Your boss hadn’t waited for a response because he’s used to you doing what he wants without question. (Let’s be honest, you are a bit of a ‘yes person’ and he’s only come to you because he expects your usual acquiescence). However, this time as he turns to retreat to his office you say, ‘Hang on, George; I can’t do that tonight.’ He returns to your desk looking pained and says, ‘What do you mean you can’t?  You repeat, ‘I can’t get that done before I go home.’ His hands go on his hips and he says, ‘Look. All I’m asking you to do is …’ You now say for the third time, ‘I can’t’, adding: ‘Normally I would, of course, but tonight I’ve got to be gone by…parents’ evening …’

You’ve now told him three times, without apology, but crucially, you now offer a constructive alternative. After a quick flick through the report you say, ‘I could get it back to you by 9.30 in the morning, would that be OK?’  He reluctantly concedes but says 9.00 would be better. He likes the last word!

You should congratulate yourself for achieving more than you might imagine.

You have:

a) displayed firm and fair assertion

b) stayed in control of your time management

c) honoured your undertaking to your colleague

d) protected an aspect of your work/life balance

e) shown your boss that you can stand up for yourself and be constructive.

The last of these is a particularly interesting one. Your boss probably felt some brief annoyance that he wasn’t getting just what he wanted, but he saw in you something of potential value which he’d not seen before. Ask yourself as manager of your team: would you prefer they were all ‘yes people’ or to have at least some who stand up for themselves? Which would you go to if you needed ideas or honest opinions?

There is much more to learn about saying ‘No’ and gaining a healthy work/life balance. If this is a topic you are interested in, you should download “Stress and Work/Life Balance – Insights for Managers” written by David Newth.

Say ‘Yes’ to downloading “Stress and Work/Life Balance“