Sick of perfectionism! How to become more relaxed!

No matter whether you have noticed perfectionistic tendencies about yourself or if you live or work with a perfectionist, it is important to know that a perfectionist’s mindset can be changed. Recognizing that a change may be needed is a very important first step toward creating a more easy going nature and achieving the inner peace and real success that comes from overcoming perfectionism. Let’s take a look at how this change is possible – from a perfectionist’s perspective.

To start with, here are some of the benefits for modifying the perfectionist in you:

Less stress and anxiety; you feel more relaxed; creativity increases;  you are willing to take more risks; communication is more open and honest; relationships at work and at home improve;  you use your time more efficiently; job satisfaction increases;  you are more open to feedback and grow as a person….and life is more fulfilling and enjoyable. Doesn’t get much better than that now does it?

Our thinking habits, attitudes and beliefs influence every aspect of our lives – our mood, our emotional resilience, stress levels, performance, relationships, and the potential to fulfill our goals and ambitions. But where do they all come from?

Changing Thinking Habits

We know that our thoughts affect our feelings, and so the first step is to become more aware of those thoughts, and remind yourself you can change your mood by replacing them with more positive, encouraging thoughts and images. Ask yourself ‘how is this thinking helping me’? We constantly battle against what are normal human flaws in an attempt to become the person we think we ought to be.  We worry that we’ll be ‘found out’ – if people knew what we were really like, vulnerable and fearful, they would think less of us, disapprove of us, even reject us.

In fact our shortcomings and failings are actually our source of strength, once we confront and accept them.  Being open about them tends to dissipate the fear. Worrying alone eats away at us, making us feel isolated, and robbing us of our vitality.

Get rid of self-critical thoughts
Perfectionists often think in demanding ways – about themselves, other people and the world in general.  In particular, because they see everything through the ‘self-doubting filter’ they tend to have a lot of self-critical thoughts, and we know that perpetual and unrealistic self-criticism is linked to low self-esteem – something that perfectionists are all too familiar with. Why not take a moment to list as many of your self-critical thoughts as you can. Getting those thoughts out of where they lurk gives you the chance to see them for what they are!

Thought Stopping

When you find yourself feeling unhappy or anxious, take a moment to look at what’s going on in your head. What are you thinking or imagining? You could think of excessive worrying as if it were a fairground merry-go-round, one with colourful horses going up and down. Sometimes those thoughts are going around so fast that we hardly know what they really are. It’s like one big blur of worry! When that happens there are two things you can try:

Just imagine you are slowing that merry-go-round right down to a stop. Slowly the individual worries come into focus and are clearly identifiable. Then you can use some problem solving skills.  Look at each one and ask yourself what (if anything) you can do about them. Are they rational thoughts or can you tell yourself something more helpful? Perhaps there is something practical you can do about this ‘worry’? Get tough on worrying!

Accepting your Fallibility

We are all fallible human beings – yes that means you too!  Take a moment to do this simple exercise.  First imagine yourself, represented by a big letter ‘I’. Now think of all of the many aspects of your ‘self’- roles you play, skills, things you do and so on. They are the little ‘i’s’ which are dotted around within the big ‘I’: e.g. driver, son, motivator, cook, animal lover, gardener, swimmer, lover, house-keeper, communicator, dancer…. thoughtful, caring, fun, hard-working  – there are so many possibilities.

My point it that because we are good at some things and not others, that doesn’t make us worthless. Of course, you might say, that’s obvious. But is it? You may think that, but do you really believe it? Remember, as a perfectionist you are constantly judging yourself, often against impossible standards.  It may be almost unconscious which makes it even more powerful.  Bringing those thoughts up to the surface where you can become aware of them and challenge them is the key.

You are fallible like every other person on this planet – get used to it!! We all have positive and negative aspects to us and we are all fallible. Learning to accept yourself (and others) warts and all is an important lesson in life.  Accepting that nothing is certain, nothing is perfect is important if you are to live a fulfilling life, without unnecessary pain. You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable or you can aim to be human and imperfect, and feel empowered and enriched by life.

If you want to learn more about perfectionism you might be interested in reading “Overcoming Perfectionism” written by Jenny Gould.