How to respond to compliments and criticism

Many of us don’t handle interpersonal relationships well, particularly at work. Instead of feeling good about ourselves, our reactions and responses to others often make us feel tongue-tied and inadequate, on the one hand, and angry and critical on the other. Here are some of the ways to deal with everyday situations and come out feeling good.

Responding to compliments

People who have low self-esteem tend to dismiss compliments. Deep down they feel unworthy and are likely to respond to praise with phrases such as, “Who me?” or “It was nothing”. You can use three techniques to stop yourself using such self-denigrating replies. First, when someone says something nice about you, simply say “Thanks” in a way that is clear, grateful, and accepting. Secondly, ask people what they liked about what you did. Thirdly, find something in what they said that you can agree with.

Positive enquiry

Positive enquiry and positive assertion are simple techniques for handling praise and compliments.

Positive enquiry asks the compliment-payer for more details about what they liked.

Them: “I really like your hair today.”

You: “Thanks. What is it about my hair that you like?”

Positive assertion takes all or part of the compliment and agrees with it.

Them: “I really thought the presentation went well.”

You: “Thanks. Yes, the presentation did go well, didn’t it.”

Responding to criticism

Criticism is another difficult area for non-assertive people. If they tend to aggressive reactions, they might hit back. If they tend to submissive reactions, they might feel even more miserable than before. Criticism isn’t easy to take. But there are some rules to follow. First, remember that it is only someone else’s opinion. Second, learn not to take it personally. Third, practise the technique of asking for more information so that you can weigh up whether there’s something in what they said that will help you to do better next time.

Negative enquiry

Negative enquiry and negative assertion are simple techniques for responding to criticism and judgment.

Negative enquiry replies to the critic by asking for more details about what they didn’t like.

Them: “Well, I’ve seen better presentations by monkeys.”

You: “Exactly what didn’t you like about it?”

Negative assertion takes all or part of the criticism and agrees with it.

Them: “The slide show was dreadful.”

You: “Yes. That was the most difficult part of the presentation.”

This way of dealing with criticism and judgment has an equivalent positive version when handling compliments and praise assertively.

Overcoming shyness

Unassertiveness and shyness are twins. They both lead to feeling inadequate in social settings. As a result, unassertive people hold back and take no part. One trick you can use to make yourself feel more comfortable in unfamiliar settings is to imagine in your mind that you are somewhere safe where you can be yourself, like “Ma and Pa’s” or “down the pub”.

Admitting you’re wrong

We all make mistakes but not all of us have the courage to own up to them. However, mistakes are what make us human and not something to be ashamed of. Once you realise a mistake, own up to it simply and concisely without over-apologising or hand-wringing. Then, get to work on putting it right.

Raising your self-esteem

It is thought that up to 80% of us regularly suffer from low self-esteem. This often happens when we compare ourselves to others who appear to be more confident, more assertive, and more successful than we are. Don’t let yourself fall into this trap of your ego. You are no better and no worse than anyone else. You are you, perfect in yourself as you are, and with the same worth and value as anyone else.