Being assertive is about having rights: the right to have your opinion heard, and the right to be treated as an equal and with respect. It is about being clear about what you want and deciding that it is relevant and fair to others. It involves taking ownership of your decisions and opinions. Assertiveness is being clear about your own position, communicating this to others, and accepting their positions. It involves taking responsibility for your own feelings and beliefs and not attempting to justify them. Assertiveness means standing up for your rights without violating the rights of others.
However, it’s important to note that there is a fine line between being assertive and being perceived as aggressive; in particular, women in leadership and management positions are often described as aggressive, when in fact they are only being assertive.
If you are one of those individuals who has been described as ‘arrogant, controlling, dictatorial or a bulldozer’, or ‘demanding, driving, forceful, daring, determined’, then you may be highly assertive. In this case, you may need to work on your confrontation and problem-solving techniques. Remaining calm and in control isn’t always easy for highly assertive individuals especially when they are under pressure, as naturally people tend to adopt a ‘fight or flight’ stress approach and become aggressive or passive/aggressive. Clarifying facts, being willing to listen actively, and showing mutual respect for the other person’s point of view, can all assist in developing assertive communication and behaviours.
For those individuals who are working on becoming more assertive it’s key to understand the importance of verbal and non-verbal communication, including body language, vocal impact, eye contact, gestures, facial expressions, and posture. Irrational thoughts can also prevent you from being assertive, so practicing techniques to stamp out your negative voice/head chatter/inner critic can help you to become more assertive.
You can also practice being more direct in your communication style and avoid preambles such as ‘I know you’re really busy but....’ or ‘I’m ever so sorry to trouble you but....’ This ensures you sound more assertive. Taking responsibility for your views and actions also results in you coming across as assertive, using statements with ‘I’ rather than ’You’, such as ‘In my opinion...’ or ‘My understanding is...’ which are more effective than ‘You are...’ or ‘That’s not right’.
If you struggle to be assertive, it’s important to monitor your communication style, for example, instead of saying long preambles and almost apologising for what you’re about to say, try starting sentences with ‘I believe that we should do x’ or ‘I consider y to be the best option in this situation.’
If you can control your head chatter and give yourself positive messages and remember that you alone are in control of your behaviour, you are more likely to come across as assertive.
