Conflict is often associated with emotions. When we face competition, we usually start to respond to what we believe something means, rather than the facts of what is happening. This makes it increasingly difficult to find a resolution as one or both parties are coming from a sense of fear. Fear of being wrong, being made to look foolish, and being disadvantaged somehow. Whatever the cause of the fear, it is like a silent barrier to finding a successful outcome.
By reframing the situation, you can create a safe space for both parties to voice what is going on and find a solution.
What tends to happen is we either respond in violence or silence, by which I mean on the violence end, we become louder, more argumentative, even aggressive. On the silence side, we become quieter, withdraw from the conflict and hope it will disappear. Neither approach resolves the situation, and the conflict remains. The reality is that both parties are operating in the sphere of fear.
To resolve the conflict, we need to create an environment where both parties feel psychologically safe to discuss what is going on, how it’s making them feel, and find a solution that works for all.
Here is a simple yet effective five-step model for reframing your conversations.
- Step one: Share some vulnerability. For example, “I would rather do anything than have this conversation….”
- Step two: State your purpose. For example, “however I know I need to as the situation makes you look bad.”
- Step three: State your intention. For example, “I am 100% committed to finding a solution that works for both of us”. By using this, you are making it clear that you want to find a resolution that works for both parties, removing the fear that someone will lose.
- Step four: Share your solution. For example, “on that basis, I would like to suggest we could …” If this solution isn’t acceptable, remind everyone of the intention (step three) and ask how they think the situation could be resolved. If their suggestion is unacceptable, restate the intention and seek new solutions together.
- Step five: Agree on the way forward. Now that you have successfully navigated the conversation you will be able to agree on a course of action that works for both of you. Should further challenges arise you can revisit your intention and rework the model.
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